Sate Love

This is awesome!

The Plan

New plan: Walking three times a week, 30 mins each; ten situps, ten pushups and ten twisty situps five times a day (or more), waaaaay less food.

I don't have to hate pictures of myself. I don't have to feel like a stuffed and sweaty pig. I can change this.

hotter

So, that last post makes me laugh now, because it's been so much hotter than that, for so long, 73 sounds chilly. Yet, I've been walking anyway, with an old friend who also needs to lose weight and get stronger. In that order.

Yeah, yeah, it's supposed to be all about "health," but for me, it's all about looks. I joke at the bookstore that I'm the shallow one, enjoying books with happy endings, but it might be true. I just want to look good. I want to feel good. I want to feel like I look good. Shallow.

Autumn will come - the temps will dip below 80 - being outside won't feel like torture. I'm looking forward to it!

City sidewalks

I didn't want to, I tried to think of reasons I didn't have to, but I did it anyway. I took my (almost) 30 minute walk this morning! I am inordinately proud of me! It was oly 73F out, but it was 83% humidity. The air was so heavy and unforgiving. I sweat actual droplets from my scalp!

I chose a slightly different route, decided to tackle a couple of hills, and I found two streets nearby that do not have sidewalks! This amazed me! We're in the heart of the city, not the 'burbs, not even the fringes. CITY. So, like a hoodlum, I walked and sweated in the street. It's a residential neighborhood; one expects sidewalks! I have definitely become a city girl.

I don't know why this struck me so oddly, but it did. First day of Summer and I got my walk in, despite heat, humidity, and a lack of sidewalks!

twitching

I've been babysitting some pets for a few days. The dog of the house, Sweetie Pie, gets two walks a day, 30 minutes a shot. It's been good for me, too! So, I decided to keep it up and went for a walk this morning. I was wearing the softest tee shirt in the whole world. I love it. But it IS rather form-fitting. And I'm kind of voluptuous right now. Too voluptuous. Both Mr. H. and I think this. Hence, the walking regimine.

Good lord, I'm out of shape. And shy. I felt like I was walking around as nekkid as Lady Godiva, without the curtain of hair or gorgeous horse to distract the eye. But I didn't realize I'd feel that way until I was well down the block and I knew if I turned around to change (and change into WHAT?!? All I have are tee shirts, and it's hot and humid outside), I'd stay inside, playing Crush the Castle.

Geez, it was revelatory. I bought these shoes that are supposed to help you get more of a work out from your walk and they really do work. They make it harder, make you work harder. Weirdly, I can feel the effort in my inner thighs, which I've never experienced from walking before. It's a good thing, but I feel so clumsy and awkward and huge. I hate joggers. As I plod down the sidewalk, leverageing my full-figured self through the quiet neighborhood streets, they glide past, smooth, sleek and graceful, swift and sweat-free. I hate them. I'm still not getting those endorphins one is supposed to get from working out. They are elusive.

My muscles are twitching like mad now. This is good. I PLAN on continuing doing this twice a day, just as if I were walking a dog. Gosh, I wish I had a dog.

fear feeds on air

I accepted an invitation to dinner from an aquaintance who is pretty involved in the social scene here in The Upper North, and I was really nervous about it. Like, bladder-emptying nervous. I accepted because I'm fed up with and impatient and disgusted with my social anxiety. I wanted to cancel, desperately, because social anxiety is real and not to be dismissed. It effing sucks. But, thanks to a casual friend's casual comment, I had a mantra to take with me and give me strength.

Darnell, my casual friend, after listening to my fears, said "Go forth and be cool."

As simple as that. So I did! I was just me. Not "Nervous Me," or "Let Me Amuse You Me" or whatever. I didn't fake a damn thing. I was open to this total roomful of total strangers and just decided it didn't matter what happened. And it was all good!

I even got called "cool!" I mean... WOW!

It was good. It was really good! I neither made a fool of myself nor fucked up! I was mostly appropriate and didn't embarrass myself and Handsome and I both had a very nice time and met some really interesting people. It was a good evening, one I would have missed if I'd listened to my ever-present fear, which needs nothing but air to thrive.

Fear needs nothing to expand. It takes a huge effort to overcome it. And, sometimes, it is ABSOLUTELY worth that big effort!

Whew! Thanks to Darnell, for the Mantra!

Go forth and be cool.

addiction

Today's not great. I'm terribly lonely. There's no one to hang out with and Handsome is pulling farther away all the time. My friends are all so busy and I've spent so many years pushing them away... why would they be there now. And, of course, there's the small matter of stupid fear, social anxiety, whatever.

I've become addicted to the Internet. I watch hours and hours of TV and movies. They keep me company and help me escape from ... whatever it is I'm trying to escape from. Mostly, it keeps me company. Ironic, really, since devoting my time to watching fake lives takes the place of me actually living my own.

Difficult to take that first step away.

huh.

Saw this as an ad in a blog I like to read.

My dad called Natural Teething Relief "bourbon."

"He drinks a whisky drink, he drinks a vodka drink, he drinks a lager drink, he drinks a cider drink...."

fashion for chubby chicks

I wish I weren't chubby, but I am. So!

How to Dress Well when You're Overweight

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Being overweight doesn't mean you can't look stunning: it's all about a few simple rules. You can gain 10lbs with the wrong clothes

Steps

1. Make sure you are honestly aware of your body type. Overweight women tend to fall into two broad categories:
   
   • Pears: A neat waist and good bust with heavy hips and legs.
     
   • Apples: A heavier stomach and upper body, with slender leg.
     
2. Do not settle for less than fashionable clothes. Yes, it is harder to dress in the latest styles when designers base their designs around scrawny models. However, many designers are now taking plus-sized women into account.
   
3. Find well-fitting underwear. It is almost impossible - whatever your size - to look good with unsupportive and flimsy underwear. It is imperative to wear low-legged high-waisted knickers in a firm supportive cotton. This can reduce your bulk by a good two to three inches, and make sure that no unsightly wobbling can be seen underneath your clothes. Bridget Jones knew what she was talking about!
   
4. Wear a bra that will hoist the bust up far enough to leave a long midriff - often a bad bra allows the bust to 'seep' into the stomach, making it look as if you're one shapeless lump.
   
5. Get several pairs of opaque tights. They smooth out the line from the waist to the knee, and ensure there's no chafing if you're rushing around in the warm.
   
6. Choose your bottom half.
   
   • Pears should avoid trousers unless they are doing the gardening, and favour calf-length skirts, either A-line or gathered to a dropped waistband. Pears should avoid full-length skirts, which carry the broadness of the hips right down to the floor, and give the impression of a walking door.
     
   • Apples should wear a nicely-tailored pair of trousers (without pleats at the waistband, which add bulk to the stomach), well-fitting jeans, or pencil skirts that fall to just below the knee.
     
7. Choose your top half.
   
   • Pears should wear a top that reaches far enough down the body not to ride up when the arms are raised, and that fit well to display a small waist. A cardigan with one or two buttons done up over a pretty vest, a fitted shirt, or a snug jersey top with a deep V neck all look fabulous with a calf-length skirt.
     
   • Apples should wear some of the beautiful smocks and tunics that are in fashion at the moment. The gorgeous colours and swathes of fabric do a marvellous job of covering up any rolls or bulk around the stomach area, and leave slender legs looking even better in snug jeans, trousers, or sturdy leggings.
     
8. Add accessories and shoes. There is no excuse for an overweight woman not to have a wardrobe full of the most beautiful and unusual accessories around. Very slim women are often swamped by some of the most extravagant jewelry that look wonderful on bigger women. The fashion for large chunky beads is useful - you should avoid delicate diamond jewellery. Not only is it naff, it will be entirely lost on you. A big bag can make you look smaller, simply by not appearing tiny next to your bottom. 2 or 3 chunky bangles will make a plump wrist appear slender. Wearing long dangly earrings will elongate the neck.
   
   • Pears should have a supply of boots - Evans is the best shop for wide-fitting calves. A good pair of boots makes wearing a skirts a positive joy.
     
   • Apples can wear kitten heels or stilettos. Pears, with their heavy legs and ankles, should avoid at all costs: it merely looks as if you are about to fall over, or sink into the floor. A wedge heel, on the other hand, looks marvellous, however stout your legs are.
     
9. Sit down in front of the mirror. Many overweight women simply do not realise that what looks good standing up is disastrous sitting down. Does your skirt ride up and show a lumpy thigh? Can you wave to a friend across the room without straining at your sleeve? If there is the least chance that you will feel uncomfortable, find an alternative: there's nothing worse than the suspicion that any sudden movements will split your seams.
   

Tips

• Cleavage is a weapon to be used whenever possible. A beautifully exfoliated and moisturised bust, not sluttishly displayed but peeking out over a scoop neck or between the unbuttoned seams of a fitted shirt, will induce most people to forgive any other failings in your body!
  
• If in doubt about your size, always get the larger version. When you try clothes on in the changing room, you're holding in your stomach and surveying yourself from a flattering angle. In real life, that top that 'just' fits is far too small. Something a little larger will leave people wondering whether you've lost a few lbs.
  
• Bias cuts skirts should be avoided by all overweight women unless they are in a sturdy fabric. Anything bias-cut in a lightweight or clingy fabric looks genuinely appalling, and has been known to make size 12s that are well over 5 ft 9 look as if they should diet. If I had my way, they'd be illegal.
  
• Try out a wrap dress. These are far from the cure-all that some think them, but over trousers they may work for you. (on the other hand, as with me, they may add a stone. there's no logic to this)
  
• Stand straight and walk with grace. Walking with your head down and stomping heavily will only make you radiate your thickness.
  
• Learn to sew! Making a calf-length A-line skirt for pears, or a slender knee-length skirt for apples, is the easiest thing in the world, and even done by hand only takes an afternoon. You will then have a well-fitting item that no-one else has.
  
• Be aware of the power of illusion. Sometimes you meet women and are so bedazzled by their antique necklace, forties handbag, customised skirt and exquisite make-up, that it's some time before you realise they're probably a size 18. If you leave the house thinking you look fabulous, chances are several others will think so too.
  
• Big hair is a great help. It balances out your size. Big women with short boyish haircuts risk the pea-head look. Shoulder-length curls are probably best, but any fulness and gloss is a great complement to round, plump shoulders and a large bust.
  
• Be well groomed. A size 20 woman who smells of Chanel, has a discreet manicure, sits elegantly, and now and then pats a glossy head of hair, will win out every time over some pinched little wench who may well be size ten but looks as if she needs a shower.
  

Things You'll Need

• A full-length mirror
  
• An impressive selection of unusual, vintage, chunky jewelry
  
• Wide-fitting boots
  
• Big supportive pants
  
• A bra capable of wearing the weight of your breast
  
• Opaque tights
  
• Wedge heeled-shoes or sandals
  
• A large bag
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Choose an Outfit for School
  
• How to Choose Good Clothes
  
• How to Dress to Look Taller
  
• How to Make a Whole New Wardrobe by Recycling Your Clothes
  
• How to Recreate Your Wardrobe
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Dress Well when You're Overweight. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

treat

Just for fun, just 'cause I love romance, just wanted to share:

Control

How can one celebrate accomplishments when all one can think about are one's failures?  Also, one person's accomplishments are nothing to a different person.  Like, I can make really tasty gravy.  I just can. I'm not bragging, it's just a fact.  Like, Adele can sing well.  Just a fact.  So, for my sister-on-law, who claims to be not able to make gravy, for her to make yummy, rich, delicious, smooth gravy is a real accomplishment!

For me, getting outside is huge.  HUGE.  Even to check the mail.  Gardening is a real chore, because I'm so far outside.  Grocery shopping is torture and malls are horrifying.  It really sucks. I understand this discomfort comes from a sense of being not in control.  I'm learning that I really like being in control and sometimes think I have more control than I do.  I need to learn how to accept, embrace even, NOT being in control.

A sincere prayer

hee hee!

Happy Star Wars Day!

I used to have this book in hardcover. *sob*  Ah, the losses of life....

A week in a day!

I did more today than I usually do in a whole week!  And that's kinda sad, but we won't go there.

Bro blew into town from the Deep South and actually gave me (almost) 24 hours notice, which is MAJOR for him!  Usually, it's the same day notice, or he just shows up.  It's fun, and it's frustrating, all at the same time.  But, ultimately, I'm just delighted to see him!  Before he left today, we met for breakfast with his son and soon-to-be daughter-in-law and son's brother-from-another-mother (it's complicated, but it works).

It was 6:30 a.m. - we were all pretty cheery for such an early hour.  I kinda forgot 6:30 a.m. existed.

Aren't they sweet? Ah, young love....

I love my Bro!

After that (8:00 a.m.), I met Cinnamon for coffee, but didn't get any pics.  It was SUPER crowded at the coffeeshop and we didn't get to meet for long, but it was wonderful to catch up in person with her.  Here's an old-ish pic, just for reference, and 'cause I love pics.

Then, I did laundry, and walked to work.

Yes, I did.

Yup, not kidding, I did, both too and from.  30 minutes each way.

For agoraphobic, chicken-chit, "are you lookin' at ME?" me, that's big news!  And manohman, do I ever need the exercise.  It should be good for me.  Right?  Only one cat-call, so that's good.  On the way home, I noticed a flying pig in someone's front yard, empty plastic easter eggs scattered all over another yard, and had to suffer through smelling the absolutely BEST, most DELICIOUS smelling BBQ from one block away.

It was fun!  Mostly.  Now I'm jonesin' for some bbq.

I really wish I'd gotten pics of the pig and the eggs.  The pig was aDORable, just really cute in a not "squee" sort of way.  And the slaughtered easter eggs....  There are no words.  I'll just give you this:

eek.



Off topic, I had really pretty hair yesterday!

Cake

I can't stop thinking about cake.  Chocolate cake. cake cake cake.  All because I watched a video of an interview with the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's wedding cake maker.

sooooooo pretty!

I could get Zingerman's:

Or an Arnie's Dutch Chocolate Torte

(like (H)andsome got me a few years ago)

It's my favorite cake, and they're local.

I could, of course, make for myself, but baking is a synthesis of chemistry, skill and magic.  I have never successfully made an edible cake.  Cupcakes, yes.  Cake, not so much.  And cupcakes are a TON of work.  Much easier to just buy a cake! 

Anglophilia

I stumbled out of bed at 5:30 a.m. to watch Prince William marry Catherine Middleton.  I loved it!  I think (H)andsome thinks I'm ... well, I don't know what he thinks.  Anyway, I loved it!  It was sweet, they're both beautiful, it was really joyful and something hopeful and cheerful.

I know several people who had pajama party/sleepovers for this, so I know I'm not the only one who enjoyed it.  I do wish I had someone to share it with, a repeating wish in my life.  I genuinely feel like it was a part of history!

New Look, Same Deal

I really like to read. Favorite thing to do. So I really like this new background and I hope you do, too! And aren't the kitties cute in the sunshine?

Well, it's been a lot of Nothing Cheerful around here.

I continue to crawl deeper into my emotional hidey-hole, not wanting to burden anyone (or shame myself). Vicious cycle of isolation. And then there's the pain. It comes back with a vengance. It's like a living thing, an entity, a reality. ugh.

Not too cheerful.

Thinking about the weekend

I'd originally planned to go out of town this weekend, or, have an out of town friend stay here.  Due to two tragedies befalling her family in the space of two months, those plans are in limbo.  So, reading the paper, I found this article about stuff going on and it has this video, which I've embedded here for your pleasure.  It made me smile!

Timing is everything

Our new schedule at work is good, it really is, even though I have a hard time remembering where I'm supposed to be each week and have to check all the time. It's three days on, three days off, three days on, three days off, THEN three days off, three days on, three days off, three days on, repeat. So, every month, we get a super-long weekend, which is really nice! It does mean fewer hours, less money. But the hardest thing is that, with working until 7:30 (store closes at 7:00 p.m. now), I can't schedule any classes for after work. They all seem to start at 7:00. Unless I join a proper gym or the Y. I can't afford that option. I've been very happy with the local recreation department fitness classes in the past, but their schedule doesn't fit mine. Bummer!

I've been taking an early-morning fitness class once a week that continues to kick my butt. And I'm losing flexibility. SO! I need to do some yoga. I love yoga! I haven't found a class I can afford that meets at a convenient time and I'm waaaay too shy to hook up with some random Craig's List person.  I have many DVDs and have downloaded many different options. Yet, I don't do them. I need a better/bigger space in which to practice, I don't like how slow they are, I blah blah blah. I WILL start, though, because getting my ass kicked once a week is apparently not enough for me.  I miss yoga.

Sweet St. Patrick's Day

How I spent my St. Patrick's Day:

With Bubba, a book, and a beer.

Then Handsome came out and so did more sunshine!

Bubba got sleepy, even though he didn't have any beer.

making stuff up

It's all about the escape lately.  Escaping from reality, of course.  I've been watching marathons of TV shows online (Morse, Lewis, Sherlock) and just not focusing on anything that needs to be done.  No laundry, no phone calls, no duties... hell, showering is an accomplishment.

So, part of that, the last few days, has been creating stuff.  I've made more author magnets, that I hope to sell at the bookstore. I enjoy making them and I love to think of them having a home out in the world!

And I've started making articulated paper dolls for the In-Law Family Reunion.  I thought I'd make these dolls, attach pictures of people's faces to each one, and make a family tree.  There are some kids attending; maybe they'll want to play with them.  Here are the first two, Mr. Handsome and me.

I realized, right off, that our heads are WAY too small.  Reminds me of Beetlejuice.


Sadly, I only realized this after printing all the faces.  Not a big deal, really.  I'll just make the faces bigger!  Hopefully, they won't get all pixelated. I should make clothes for them, too. We look like we're part of a cult, wearing some special garb or onesie! It's kinda fun making them, though it's a LOT of work, more than I'd anticipated. Here's hoping I stick with it!

I've got a dear friend who has had such trials this year, 2011, that it's genuinely unbelievable. And, of course, there's Japan. My worries and problems are completely insignificant. A cliche, I know... but so, so true.

chattering

The last few days I've been pet sitting for a beautiful husky/shepherd mix named Sweetie Pie and her kitty co-horts, the very regal and elegant Grey and silly, fiesty Tucker.  Their home is so comfortable and beautifully decorated; I want to live there.  Seriously, I wish I could stay the night, because it is SO difficult to both a) get my ass out of my nice warm bed to drive across town in the f-f-f-reezing cold at dawn and b) leave their sweet faces when I must, inevitably, leave.  I might ask their mommy if I can stay sometime when I'm babysitting for them.  It's been nice, though, to get out into the fresh, sparkling air and walk with Pie through her neighborhood.  And the kitties are VERY lovey.

~   ~   ~  ~

I'm catching a cold and it sucks.  I can feel it approaching, my throat is sore, soon to be raw; my nose is running like a leaky faucet; my body aches.  No way to stay home and rest.  Not only is there no one to cover for sick days at the bookstore, but I have to take care of Pie and Kitties.  AND, starting day after tomorrow, my neighbor's cats need care, too, twice a day meds.  Dreading that. Those cats hate me.  Well, no they don't.  But they hate their meds.

~   ~   ~  ~

Cleo had another serious episode last night.  So scary.  I wish I knew what triggered them.  I hope she's not suffering.  She doesn't SEEM to be; she seems just fine today.

~   ~   ~  ~

Well, that's just my surface chatter.  Lots more going on.  But I've got to get to work.

My favorite month approaches

YAY!  Today is the last day of my least favorite month!  February, though short in days, is long in greys.  I'm ready for mud and birdsong and not having to wear two-three layers to keep warm.  Yippee!  I've overscheduled myself for petsitting in March, because I apparently can't say no to my neighbor.  Whose cats HATE me, since the only time they see me is when their parents are gone and I give them medicine.

Anyhoo, I'm glad tomorrow's March.

time wasted, but laughing!

Holy cats, some of these are hiLARious!

 Quick Meme Gallery

My faves are Socially Awkward Penguin, Judgemental Bookstore Ostrich, Business Cat, and Advice God.

Enjoy!

Another Boot Camp

I thought exercise was supposed to give you endorphins?  I just feel like crying!  ugh.  I know it will get better.  Right now, I'm just shocked, SHOCKED, at how weak I am.  Wow.  Two years of sitting on one's ass, surfing the 'net will do that to a body, I suppose.  I'll keep at it, I'll get stronger, it'll get better. The other two women in the class are in their 50's and they are in WAY better shape than me.

But I do NOT want to wind up looking like this:

EEK!

I wish I had someone to share this with, though.  Most of my friends are already in super shape, running marathons and shit.  I think one reason I want a dog so very, very badly is that it would be a companion.  Some day, some day....

I've looked on Craig's List for exercise partner type listings and they're out there.  It just feels really random.  I want a FRIEND, y'know?  But to have a friend, as the saying goes, you have to BE a friend and I'm not very good at that (as I have been told by The Blonde).

Things are going to get a little worse before they get better and knowing that helps me be prepared.

messy head

I've posted and deleted three times now over the past few days.  I'm a little confused about what to do right now to shape my future.  I've been very passive for the last ten years, it seems, and now my life is... not what I want.  I want more.  More joy, more fun, more connection.

Change is so scary to me.  I really, really like stability.  I've been choosing unsatisfying stability over risk for a long, long time.  Maybe it's time to change - but change what?  Everything?  One thing?  Which thing?

ugh.

... and in weather

Today was truly spectacular, Springy warm, super bright, lovely.  Very windy, though.  Powerful wind.  With it, it's bringing back Winter , and I'm bummed.

Here's Bill to tell you all about it:

Storm Team 8 Forecast: woodtv.com

* gasp * choke * gahhh *

Last week, I went to an exercise class called Full Mighty Boot Camp. As I've grown to look a great deal like my sofa over the last couple of years, due to too much DVD watching and web surfing, I knew it would be a challenge. I actually did pretty well! I felt it, I mean, I found muscles I'd packed away and forgotten about, but I was able to do pretty much everything the amazing instructor asked. It felt like a gentle but strong workout and so I approached today with enthusiasm.

Today was completely different. I felt like this:

photo credit

I couldn't complete a few of the exercises, I had to take a serious break.  Embarrassing.  But it showed me how truly out of shape I am.  Also, that one should definitely eat SOMETHING before working out so hard.  I only had coffee.  I just couldn't face food; I didn't get much sleep last night.

Cleo has been ... well, it's clear her body is slowing down and she's not doing really well.  She's had several more episodes.  She doesn't seem to be suffering, but she certainly has a difficult time in the middle of the night being comfortable.  She cries a lot (dementia, we trust, not pain) and is extremely restless.  She walks all over me and tries to sit on my head.  I try everything I can think of to make her comfortable - nothing works.  Then, during the day, she seems fine.  Really old, frail, sure; but fine.  It's very frustrating.  I don't want to euthanize her if the time is not right.  But I don't want her to suffer.  I used to tell clients at the vet clinic that they'd know when it's right, and I still believe that.

So, it's off to work for me, sore and worried and tired.

Daft

Love it!

And this is just mesmerizing:


Today, I'm going to Get Stuff Done. Maye even color my hair! But, I WILL do something about the foyer and the little bathroom downstairs. Remove wallpaper. Remove nasty carpet. YES! These tunes make my sluggish blood wake up and MOVE!

VD stuff

Mr. Handsome disagrees with Valentine's Day. I think ANY day to celebrate something wonderful is GREAT! You made every single light on your way to work? Let's celebrate! Anyhoo, I don't expect much for/from Valentine's Day, but this year, he really hit it.

He made over a dozen romantic pieces of origami (which is how he wooed me in the first place, back in the day) and send me lovey-dovey texts all day! I loved it, loved finding the individual pieces of origami tucked around my regular day. Here's a heart in the coffee can! Here's a crane in my make-up drawer! Ooh, a heart tucked inside my laptop! How sweeet, a crane tucked into the milk jug handle! Yeah, I LOVED it!

So, I made him cookies. His fave, chocolate chip. Now, I'm Famous in My Own Mind® for making really, off-puttingly ugly cookies. I don't know what I do wrong. I try different stuff, they always wind up looking like little piles of excrement. With solids. ew. Anyhoo, they taste fine. BUT! I wanted to make pretty cookies for him, to let him know that I appreciated his effort and that I appreciate him. Seriously, all that lovey stuff. So I decided to be completely cheesy and make them into heart shapes.

I cut out the cookies,

baked them as directed...

... uh oh...

...ummm, this isn't working....

Oh, well. I'll just cut one into a BIG heart! Success!

Yeah, it was a sweet Valentine's Day, with a little help from John Russo! Note the cute Italian sweets (in the little boxes) and the delicious chocolate port. Nice!

What?

I love to read blogs. Reading other people's thoughts. It's kinda voyeuristic, kinda snoopy, kinda gossipy. I enjoy it. The best ones, of course, have a focus. Weight loss, family, illness/recovery, far-off adventure, whatever. Mine's just my diary, really; whatever amuses me or whatever I'm whining about that day. A focus would be good.

It does reflect my life, though. I don't have ambition, direction, passion.... After a childhood dominated by chaos, I deeply value security and safety. This makes for a rather dull life, I suspect. But it's comfortable. I've been thinking I need to branch out, though, do stuff, have some adventures. Challenge myself.

So, back to blogs: Three examples of consistent tone:
Sticky sweet, over the top, almost unbelieveable perfection in life, heavy emphasis on the Joys of Mommyhood: The Pioneer Woman
(it's the ONE blog I go to everyday, as it DOES cheer me - but can her life REALLY be this perfect? gag. Why do I keep reading her...?)

Cynical, negative, complaining: Pasta Queen
(I read her years ago, when she was on an epic weight loss journey. Now she complains a lot, which is boring)

Professional crafter, inspiring, occasional mommy stuff: Betz White
(I LOVE her crafty stuff! and her mommy stuff is totally palatable)

Daily diary, thoughtful, honest, my favorite: Crazy Aunt Purl
(I want to be her friend. I really do. This is the best-written "diary" blog I've read)

Crazy Aunt Purl is why I started this blog. I just wanted a place to kind of vomit out my thoughts. But, I think I'm the only one who's really interested in my thoughts. And not even I am, sometimes, y'know? I just need to get 'em out. Mostly, I just post when something strikes my fancy or interests me. I made it private for a long while, 'cause no one was reading it anyway, except my Sis. But, I like the thought of the vulnerability of being out there in the world, open to ridicule and disdain, or maybe even find a kindred spirit. I hide myself away all the time. I hide in my cave, don't answer the phone, I stay secret. And yearn for a connection.

I think I'll continue posting my likes, my whines, my whatevers, and just be more consistent with the frequency of posts. If you're interested in my voice, I hope you'll let me hear yours, too, and leave a comment. Mostly, I hope to develop some consistency in life!

round n round

How do I break the circle of lazyness? I want to be healthier, but doing any exercise hurts and is boring. I want to eat more healthfully, but stuff my face with Dorito's. Where can I buy some self-discipline and break the vicious cycle of self-defeat?

see more Historic LOL

Secret Police

I think I secretly want to be a police officer or a secret agent or at LEAST a stunt-car driver. I might not have matured past elementary school, it seems. I've been really into cop shows for a while now, like In Plain Sight, The Closer, The Mentalist, and Bones. I loved The Rockford Files and Barney Miller when I was a kid. I'm listening to the local police scanner right now. They mumble a lot. And there's no sense of urgency in their voices (probably a good thing). It's nothing like TV makes it sound like. It's surprisingly quiet for rather long periods of time! Which I think deserves a YAY!

Sis likes the warmies I made for her for Christmas! Another YAY! Look how cute she is! She plays the piano and lives in a c-c-cold place, so the arm warmers keep her cozy, I hope. She doesn't like scarves, but having a warm neck can really help keep a person warm, so I made her a little neck cowl, very soft, not itchy at all, and can be easily washed, too! The arm warmers are cashmere, and soft as butter. She'll send pics of the leg warmers later (I didn't make the hat, but it looks cute on her!).

I'm so glad she likes them! I didn't embellish them at all, except for a little bit on the leg warmers, because Sis is a classic girl, no frills and furbelows for her, thenkuveddy much! I'm just glad they fit!

So, today...

Still painful, still sucks, but today was beautiful! The sun was just so cheery and clean and bright, no one could be grouchy today. It was just lovely.

I'm making these right now and here's my work in progress:

I'm also planning on making these little critters. I'll keep you posted in a future post about my progress!

So, way last Dec. 14th I got my hair cut, just a trim. But she chopped four inches, trying to get my hopelessly wavy hair "straight in the back." This is a sisyphean task. You CAN'T get my hair straight across the back. She's been doing my hair, pretty reliably, for the past 3+ years, so I was really surprised at this, but we all f#ck up sometimes. I'm just so bummed that it's back up to just barely brushing my shoulders when I've been trying so hard to grow it out.
Before (standing up straight):

After (oops, kinda slouchy):

It's not tragic on a global level or anything, I know. It's just hair and it'll grow. I do have it in perspective. Doesn't mean I'm not disappointed, though.

But back to today - it was a good day! IMmed with Sis and Ell for a couple of hours, always fun. I love my Sis so much, it feels like she's a part of me. And I chatted on the phone (yes, on the actual phone) with Cali Girl for a couple of hours, too, and that was good. We cleared the air, I think, about some stuff and I feel much more hopeful.

gawd dang it

Look, I want to be all cheerful and sh!t, but the f#ck!ng fibromyalgia is absolutely kicking my a$$ up one side and down the other and has been for the last week and every single part of my body HURTS. Just HURTS. I claim the right to feel sorry for myself and that's the end of it. Damn.

Soundtrack for a Happy Day

Music is so powerful! Have you read Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks or This is Your Brain on Music by Daniel Levitin? I highly recommend BOTH!

Here are some cheerful selections to brighten your day:













Do you have any suggestions to add to the soundtrack? Please leave 'em in the comments!

It's been a Yoga Weekend. Yesterday, I went to a new-to-me studio with a friend who just signed up for classes. It was in a suburban office building, but they'd created such a lovely space, and the many windows look out over a lake, I really forgot I was in a building that shares space with an insurance company. Really, really pretty. It was mega-crowded and I was SUPER grouchy to start, but it all turned out really well! I might join my friend again.

Today, I went to a close-to-home place that I've been meaning to go to for ages. The Armenta Studio. It has a more organic feel to it, a little more down-to-earth and genuine feel. I really liked it! I was really nervous and anxious about going, but it also turned out great. I had a good workout and will prob go back again!

itchy

I've been itching to make stuff lately, I think because there were SOOOO many things I wanted to make for Christmas, but didn't. I did manage to make leg warmers and arm warmers (and a cowl) for my Sis!   (Oh, how I wish she'd send me pics of her wearing them.)  That was fun!  And for the furry babies I visit, I made catnip-filled stockings.  That was fun, too!  Now, I need to make more magnets for the store and, while I'm currently knitting yet another scarf, I want to make something using applique.  Something useful.  Something pretty.  I like the potholders I made a while ago, but I seem to have lost my mojo.

What do people USE?

What would YOU use?  Pillow covers?  Tea cozies?  Slippers?  Totes?  Oooh!  Looks like I came up with some ideas!

Cinnamon

Last night, after work, I met up with Cinnamon for a drink.  We went to Graydon's, a place where you can actually have a conversation with your friends while enjoying their vittles.  What was supposed to be just a drink and some chatting really got into some deep waters and I'm so glad we both had the time to spend a few hours together.

Cinnamon is one of my True Friends.  It doesn't bother her a bit that I disappear for months at a time only to show up again as though no time had passed.  She's one of the most independent, strongest women I know.  Also, one of the kindest. She's no saint, of course, but she's an angel in my life.  She's going through a really tough time, actually for the last couple of years has been, and I wish I could do something to help.

It's so hard when a friend is hurting and there's nothing concrete to do about it.  Sometimes, I guess the best thing is an open heart and wide ears.

Again

Cleo had another episode of vertigo last night. It's so scary! There's nothing we can do but wait it out. I've been putting off going to work for as long as possible this morning, in case she collapses again, but I really have to leave. She seems stable, if a little wobbly. This is going to worry me all day, her being home alone.

Update later that night:

She's wobbly on her pins, but much better again. Dr. V thinks she might have an infection in her middle ear, so Cleo's got to have an oral anti-biotic every day for a couple of weeks. She's also taking an anti-nausea medication and an anti-acid medication. She really is an old lady!

cooking

Good God, I really want to make this a positive place to visit, one you'll want to come back to, but sometimes, a person just has to VENT. Like a tea kettle. I had to go grocery shopping today because I forgot to pick up City garbage bags when I went grocery shopping two days ago. Seriously, I'd rather clean a stranger's toilet than go grocery shopping. All the people, all the visuals, all the sounds, all the STUFF! It's overwhelming and I hate hate hate it. So, they were out or garbage bags, which I found out after waiting in line for 10 minutes. (Man, I am just whining now.) Anyway, I went to three other places before I finally found some. GEEZ! All my own fault, too, 'cause I didn't pick them up two days ago. * sigh *

And I'm cooking today. I don't enjoy cooking. The food does not taste better if I cook it. I try to "imbue it with love as I prepare nourishment for my family," but it still feels like drudgery. Value for effort = low. I want to turn these dreaded chores into something positive or at least neutral, but I'm not there yet.

Well, a lot is changing so maybe I need to just go with it for now, staying aware of my own limitations and who I REALLY am, rather who I WISH I were. There are some relationships I'm dealing with right now that kind of mirror this. Value for effort = low. I've got a new schedule at the bookstore, which will give me more time to work on the house and my life.

Uh oh, the broccoli is burning.

99 years old

Cleo is 20 (and 9 months). She can vote. This Spring, she'll be 21 and be able to order a martini. If she lives that long.

Night before last, we had a real scare with her. She's old, she's got kidney disease that can't be treated by diet (the usual way) because she's also got food allergies. She's pretty deaf and I think her eyes are failing. She's often uncomfortable because she's got arthritis and the kidney disease makes her body produce too much stomach acid, so she's got that, too. And she's got dementia, which makes her howl and yowl at nothing. Yet, she seems to enjoy her life. She's got two heated beds (three, if you count my body); a companion to beat up on (poor Bubba), likes to be wherever her humans are and really loves mealtimes. She's still enjoying life, gets around just fine, can still jump on the kitchen counter, even! She's not supposed to, mind - we just know she does if we're careless enough to leave fresh flowers up there. The girl can NOT resist munching on fresh flowers. There is NOTHING wrong with her nose.

So, The Scare.

She often howls, like someone is torturing her. Very disconcerting, but it's just part of her dementia. So, we kind of tune it out, as best we can. Nothing we can do, after all. But she made some vocalizations that were unlike anything I'd heard come from her before. She sounded truly distressed. I jumped up, and she was stumbling and falling over and it was horrible. Then she vomited twice and collapsed. She didn't respond to any visual stimulus and seemed completely out of it, though she was still conscious. We stayed with her for hours, pondering what to do. My instincts said she was suffering and we should take her to the Pet Emergency Hospital and prepare to say good bye (i.e. have her euthanized). We've been trying to prepare ourselves for her death for the last three years. I mean, she's very old! But she just doesn't SEEM old! She's clean and shiny and flexible and spry and vibrant.... She just doesn't seem that old.... But she is.

Well, Handsome wasn't ready and I certainly wasn't going to push it. He saved her from a bunch of street kids who had her in a steel drum half-filled with water, to see if she could swim, when she was a tiny kitten. He's her daddy, for sure. When he and his Practice Wife divorced, she got the TV, he got Cleo (and her companion kitty, Ned). There's no way I'm going to make him do anything regarding Cleo's final exit. And, she's my baby-girl, too. She's the cat I've had in my life the longest, over 17 years. I love this cat so very, very, much. We were both in tears.

We put her in one of her heated beds and she curled right up and went to sleep. All night long, I kept checking to make sure she was still breathing. We kept her and a litter box and a bowl of water in our room, with the door closed all night. Bubba was miserable, because we locked him out. He's a bed hog and I wanted to let Cleo sleep with me without competing for space, if she chose to get up on the bed (we have kitty steps, so no jumping). Cleo did come up and sleep with me, so it was a good call, I think. But poor Bubs cried all night.

In the morning, Cleo was much better! Not 100%, still wobbly on her pins, and not responsive to visual cues, but much more stable. She ate a little bit, drank some water, urinated fine. We thought maybe she had a stroke; one pupil looked bigger than another and she was so weak on one side. As soon as our vet opened, I called and they were able to fit us in right away, and we even got to see our own favorite vet, Dr. Vincent (though, honestly, they're all really skilled and excellent doctors). Cleo and I raced the 20 minutes through the dark and snow and of course, as soon as I got there, I started crying and couldn't stop. I wish Handsome could have come with me. I could've used the support, but he had to go to work, of course. Thank goddness I had the day off!

Anyhoo, I used to work there, so I know a lot of the people and was so glad to get a Vet Tech I knew, one of the most experienced techs there, Michele. Michele is a very no-nonsense, straight-forward woman, but was very kind and understanding of my tears. SO! She asked some questions and took Cleo's blood pressure with the tiniest little BP cuff you've ever seen and Dr. Vincent came in and asked more and then they took Cleo back for some blood and urine tests. Everything was as normal as could be expected for such an old kitty. Dr. V was concerned about the half-pound weight loss Cleo had since October. That's a LOT of weight for such a small cat in a short amount of time. Cleo now weighs 5.25 pounds. Tiny. Dr. V confirmed that Cleo's right eye wasn't responding to light; the iris was expanded and not shrinking as it normally would. She thought it had to do with muscle atrophy, though, not a stroke. There was no evidence of blood in her eye. It's just that, as Cleo ages, her muscles are failing, losing, as it were, and the eye muscle got "stuck" in the open-iris position.

About Cleo's episode, Dr. V believes it might have been profound vertigo. That would explain EVERYTHING. The loss of stability - when you don't know which way is up, you don't know where to put your feet - , and the vomiting (nausea caused by vertigo), the odd and scary cry (because Cleo was terrified), and the eye-jiggling. Unfortunately, there's no preventative treatment, there's no way to predict it, and there's nothing we can do, other than treat it when it happens (because it will probably happen again). So, we're to be on the alert and watch her carefully. And we also must keep in mind that she's pretty much blind. Can't see anything out of her right eye and her left eye probably only sees shadowy images at best. No moving furniture around for us! Now, every time she yowls, I'm jumping up to find her! And when she goes upstairs or jumps, I'm watching her like a hawk. I'm so glad I have today and tomorrow off, too. And Sunday. So I can watch her like an overprotective mom. Which is what I am.

Mostly, I'm just so glad that Handsome said he wasn't ready to say goodbye. All my instincts said the kindest thing for Cleo would be to let her go. I'm soooooooo glad we didn't do that! I know we don't have a lot of time left with her, but at least there's a little more now.

New Year

No resolutions, I hope. I just want to commit to a healthier, stronger and HAPPIER me. No more beating myself up for ... well, any number of things I won't mention, because that would be self-defeating! See? I'm already on the Path to Positivity! Care to join me?