Rooms narrow

"The room narrowed when the marquess entered."

I know exactly what that feels like! When there are people with you in a room you are usually the only one in, it feels smaller.  I've never thought about MY presence in someone else's "solo" room feels like to them.  I always feel invisible.

pain

Over the past year, I've dealt with unbearable pain dealing with fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis. Luckily, physical and occupational therapy, combined with CBT and a really effective drug have made a huge difference. I will never be as strong and flexible, or have as much resilience and endurance as I did in the past, but at least I can dress myself, bathe myself now. And I will get stronger.
I've also been unemployed all year. Now I have to find a job. I've filled out so many applications; I have received no interest. Very disappointing.

Might need oil

Well, my return to blogging is very rusty.  I might need oil in the writing gears.

Rather than trying new things, I've been more like, saying yes to more things.  AND to doing more things.  I started planning events for Handsome and I to go to.  That worked out great!  We both really enjoyed getting out more, trying different stuff, and being together.  Unfortunately, his work is under strain and he's had to put in lots of extra hours, so it's harder to plan fun stuff.  I'll keep trying though.
I started a regular yoga class and, despite my shoulder, wrist, knee and hip, I keep going.  I'm enjoying it.  I did a 5k, ostensibly with a friend, though she and her kids ran it, and I walked.  I won't do another unless I have someone to walk with; I got very lonely and that's a feeling I'm trying to get away from.
Handsome and I went to a nature center for a midnight owl sighting - that was AWESOME.  I've gone ice skating a couple times with a friend - loved it! Handsome and I took my bestie out for lunch with her family, in her city (an hour away) and turned it into a little adventure. Fun!
Recently, I went to a concert with a friend.  It was ok; not a group I'm a big fan of, but it was something totally out of my comfort zone and I do LIKE the group, so I went.  It was alright.  But, after, that was not.  I suggested we go out for a drink, and wish I'd stuck to my guns.  I wanted a quiet place for a drink and some chat, a wind-down.  My friend wanted to PAR-TAY. When I'm uncomfortable at a bar or club, I drink too much, get too chatty, and sometimes get into awkward situations.  All of that happened.  Rotten hangover the next day.  I'm not interested in loud, crowded bars where I'm surrounded by people who could be my spawn.  No.
More recently, Handsome and I had friends over for dinner. I thought we'd have a quiet evening of dinner and chat and maybe a card game.  It was a pretty quiet evening, but went until 2:30am! Very late for us!  And an excellent time! I don't want to stay up that late, or drink that much, anytime soon, but it was a really good time!
I've got a big, arena concert coming up this summer and I'm super nervous about it.  Crowds. Loudness. CROWDS.  And Handsome and I are going to visit Cali Girl soon. I'm a little nervous about that, too.  I hope it'll be a good time for all.
I look at people who are always doing interesting, exciting things and feel so ... stuck.  I want that to change.

Why not?

I was going to delete this blog. I had nothing to talk about but despair and depression. Then, an offhand comment from a friend (Hi DeadGirl!) made me decide to start the machinery going again.  Even if it's rusty and squealing with outrage at the grinding of the unlubricated gears in my mind, I'll update at least once a week.  I still need focus on this thing, so will try by recording my newest ambition: Responding to Trying New Things.

Handsome and I reaaaaalllllly enjoy staying at home, marinating in our own juices. Separately, we both regretted this, and wanted to be more active, more out in the World. I've started scheduling (scheduling!) stuff for us to do on the weekends, instead of our usual lolling about, doing nothing.  And, I'm independently trying to join more things, say yes to invitations more, and extend invitations more.  Honestly, it's quite challenging.

 Most recently, we went to an exhibit at our local modern art museum. It was the last day of the exhibit, many installations were already gone, but we enjoyed our outing, tempered with the generous application of beer and food beforehand.  No fear, everything was within walking distance.


Alone, I joined a crochet class. So many people have tried to teach me to crochet and I just never got it; I knew I was doing it wrong.  I joined a class at my local yarn store.  Though I felt truly nauseated with anxiety before leaving home, I went anyway.  I learned what I'd been doing wrong!  And, though my washcloth looks more like a tiara (thank you, Unintended Added Stitch), I'm so very glad I girded my loins and struck forth into the night, alone and cold, to join the class. We'll see how next weekend goes!

New job, I'm giving it until Christmas break.  It was awful and my hair was falling out in clumps.  It's getting better, so we'll see.

Friends

Visiting Cali Girl was quite enlightening.  I learned that one cannot, must not, hold on to the past.  Find things in the present to value, don't insist on making the creatures of today look like the ones from memory.  Not only is memory a fickle beast, creatures insist on being themselves, on authenticity.

Ok, that's super-vague.  I'm not the same person I was in high school, when Cali Girl and I were best friends, soul sisters, finishing each other's sentences and feeling incomplete without a daily dose of togetherness.  It was like a love affair.  A four-years-long relationship that was intense as only teenagers can create, especially a traumatized teen like I was.

I've chosen a very different life for myself from what I expected to have 30 years ago.  I want a peaceful life, with small pleasures lit by joy, seasoned with small disappointments, hold the despair and drama.  I used to think I was destined to make a difference in the world, that I had the power of a meteor, that I would light up the lives of many.  Instead, the world changed me.  I've been humbled.  The universe has


You don't HAVE to be unhappy to be interesting.  There's a 'friend' I have on f@ceb00k who posts several times a day, often something that pertains to a business venture (a pyramid-type thingy).  I keep her listed, because I gotta admit, her posts are very often quite uplifting!  Everyone can use more positivity in life. Sometimes she's a bit 'Suzy Sunshine,' but it does seem authentic.  And she does do interesting things! Travel, athletic competitions, dropping several dress sizes in a year, trying dating again....  So, I keep reading her.

I often want to escape my own life by reading or watching a movie.  Immerse myself in a different life.  When what I SHOULD be doing is living my own life, making memories.  All my interesting ideas come in the wee hours, though, when I'm trying desperately to fall asleep!  I know I should get up and write them down, but that will wake me up even more, so I don't.  Of course all those interesting thoughts evaporate come morning, dull and blank and dreary.  So easy to just put one foot in front of the other, not thinking about where you're going.

Much better to choose where you want to be.  I've been walking pretty steadily three times a week with a nearby friend.  It's WONDERFUL!  Neither of us actually WANT to get out of bed for this, but once we do, we feel better (mostly) and I can tell I'm getting a little bit stronger.  I want to get stronger in lots of ways - not just my heart.

Love this

If you love the new $herlock, you'll love this.

And this is just because I like BC!

Sate Love

This is awesome!

The Plan

New plan: Walking three times a week, 30 mins each; ten situps, ten pushups and ten twisty situps five times a day (or more), waaaaay less food.

I don't have to hate pictures of myself. I don't have to feel like a stuffed and sweaty pig. I can change this.

hotter

So, that last post makes me laugh now, because it's been so much hotter than that, for so long, 73 sounds chilly. Yet, I've been walking anyway, with an old friend who also needs to lose weight and get stronger. In that order.

Yeah, yeah, it's supposed to be all about "health," but for me, it's all about looks. I joke at the bookstore that I'm the shallow one, enjoying books with happy endings, but it might be true. I just want to look good. I want to feel good. I want to feel like I look good. Shallow.

Autumn will come - the temps will dip below 80 - being outside won't feel like torture. I'm looking forward to it!