We lost our insurance yesterday, which I discovered when I was at the wrist doctor's office (rather embarrassing). So I'm starting to cut back on my meds, ration them out. I don't know how good an idea this is, but I figure, less meds for longer is better than no meds sooner. I'm feeling very unbalanced today and kinda panicky.
My wrist is fine, though it still hurts. The doc could find nothing wrong. He was really nice and gentle, though. Doctors are MAJORLY scary. I also went to the skin doctor yesterday, to look at a lesion on my nose that's been there for a year, never quite healing. He said it was just a sebaceous cyst. He couldn't explain why it would change size and get oozy and crusty, though. Or why it itches. Or makes me sneeze when I scratch it. He wasn't much help, really. $90, please.
Mr. Handsome still has no job, though there are whispers of interviews in the future. I don't earn even 1/3 of what we need to pay the bills each month, so we're cutting into our retirement a lot. We're going to have to figure out how to live more frugally and since we're already cheap as hell, I don't know where to cut expenses.
I realize, when I look at our situation objectively, that we're actually doing well. And I find that very comforting! I mean, our bills ARE being paid, we DO have enough savings to cover our needs. Furthermore, if we get desperate, we CAN sell the Hobby House; the land is what's valuable there, not the house. And we haven't really looked out-of-state for work. We could totally pull a Bro and bail out of Michigan.
All things considered, we're pretty lucky. No kids to worry about health, school, friends. We're mostly healthy, no big health bills (touch wood). Both our cars are paid off. And, while my job doesn't pay much, at least I HAVE it!
I do find all of that very comforting. It centers me, to remind myself that we're not in dire straights and we do have options.
I'm just so depressed. And therapy costs money. I'm so bitter and angry and fearful. And now the neighborhood is in trouble (gang-banger house in back of us, causing problems ALL the time) and Mr. Handsome is starting a neighbors' action committee. I'm really, super proud of him, because he's so shy and insecure - doing something like this is HUGE progress, personally, for him. It's just that I don't want any of the responsibility.
Actually, I don't want responsibility for anything right now, not even my laundry. I just want to hole up and hide, not answer the phone, ignore email, and escape into a book or videos. I must admit, the show "Hoarders" is not a good choice. It actually gives me nightmares. I have certain hoarding tendencies and I'm terrified to turn into one of THEM.
I just feel like my head is going to explode with all my worries.
UPDATE Sept 24:
He got a job! We won't have to move! I won't have to get a new job anytime soon! WHEW!!!!!
2 comments:
Hi Sis! I'm glad you can find the roses among thorns in your current straits. I'm also glad Svend found work - I'm sure it's an enormous relief to you both.
Why were you at the wrist doctor? Will Svend's new job renew your health insurance? I worry about you and depression. I feel similarly, and it's a cruel cycle. Care of others leaves little energy to care for yourself, yet you still manage to care for others first. I think you should be extremely proud of yourself for managing so long on the income from Lit Life and your savy frugality. You deserve a break from holding down the fort, and hopefully you can start to refocus now that there's a bigger, more familiar income.
If there's ever anything I can do to help you at all, please reach out to me and ask. I know we can help each other and that help will make us both stronger.
Love,
Michelle
Thank you Sis, just for EVERYTHING. I love you so much!
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