Thursday, January 21, 2016

Why not?

I was going to delete this blog. I had nothing to talk about but despair and depression. Then, an offhand comment from a friend (Hi DeadGirl!) made me decide to start the machinery going again.  Even if it's rusty and squealing with outrage at the grinding of the unlubricated gears in my mind, I'll update at least once a week.  I still need focus on this thing, so will try by recording my newest ambition: Responding to Trying New Things.

Handsome and I reaaaaalllllly enjoy staying at home, marinating in our own juices. Separately, we both regretted this, and wanted to be more active, more out in the World. I've started scheduling (scheduling!) stuff for us to do on the weekends, instead of our usual lolling about, doing nothing.  And, I'm independently trying to join more things, say yes to invitations more, and extend invitations more.  Honestly, it's quite challenging.

 Most recently, we went to an exhibit at our local modern art museum. It was the last day of the exhibit, many installations were already gone, but we enjoyed our outing, tempered with the generous application of beer and food beforehand.  No fear, everything was within walking distance.


Alone, I joined a crochet class. So many people have tried to teach me to crochet and I just never got it; I knew I was doing it wrong.  I joined a class at my local yarn store.  Though I felt truly nauseated with anxiety before leaving home, I went anyway.  I learned what I'd been doing wrong!  And, though my washcloth looks more like a tiara (thank you, Unintended Added Stitch), I'm so very glad I girded my loins and struck forth into the night, alone and cold, to join the class. We'll see how next weekend goes!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

New job, I'm giving it until Christmas break.  It was awful and my hair was falling out in clumps.  It's getting better, so we'll see.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Love this

If you love the new $herlock, you'll love this.

And this is just because I like BC!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Sate Love

This is awesome!

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Plan


New plan: Walking three times a week, 30 mins each; ten situps, ten pushups and ten twisty situps five times a day (or more), waaaaay less food.

I don't have to hate pictures of myself. I don't have to feel like a stuffed and sweaty pig. I can change this.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

hotter

So, that last post makes me laugh now, because it's been so much hotter than that, for so long, 73 sounds chilly. Yet, I've been walking anyway, with an old friend who also needs to lose weight and get stronger. In that order.

Yeah, yeah, it's supposed to be all about "health," but for me, it's all about looks. I joke at the bookstore that I'm the shallow one, enjoying books with happy endings, but it might be true. I just want to look good. I want to feel good. I want to feel like I look good. Shallow.

Autumn will come - the temps will dip below 80 - being outside won't feel like torture. I'm looking forward to it!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

City sidewalks

I didn't want to, I tried to think of reasons I didn't have to, but I did it anyway. I took my (almost) 30 minute walk this morning! I am inordinately proud of me! It was oly 73F out, but it was 83% humidity. The air was so heavy and unforgiving. I sweat actual droplets from my scalp!

I chose a slightly different route, decided to tackle a couple of hills, and I found two streets nearby that do not have sidewalks! This amazed me! We're in the heart of the city, not the 'burbs, not even the fringes. CITY. So, like a hoodlum, I walked and sweated in the street. It's a residential neighborhood; one expects sidewalks! I have definitely become a city girl.

I don't know why this struck me so oddly, but it did. First day of Summer and I got my walk in, despite heat, humidity, and a lack of sidewalks!

Friday, June 17, 2011

twitching

I've been babysitting some pets for a few days. The dog of the house, Sweetie Pie, gets two walks a day, 30 minutes a shot. It's been good for me, too! So, I decided to keep it up and went for a walk this morning. I was wearing the softest tee shirt in the whole world. I love it. But it IS rather form-fitting. And I'm kind of voluptuous right now. Too voluptuous. Both Mr. H. and I think this. Hence, the walking regimine.

Good lord, I'm out of shape. And shy. I felt like I was walking around as nekkid as Lady Godiva, without the curtain of hair or gorgeous horse to distract the eye. But I didn't realize I'd feel that way until I was well down the block and I knew if I turned around to change (and change into WHAT?!? All I have are tee shirts, and it's hot and humid outside), I'd stay inside, playing Crush the Castle.

Geez, it was revelatory. I bought these shoes that are supposed to help you get more of a work out from your walk and they really do work. They make it harder, make you work harder. Weirdly, I can feel the effort in my inner thighs, which I've never experienced from walking before. It's a good thing, but I feel so clumsy and awkward and huge. I hate joggers. As I plod down the sidewalk, leverageing my full-figured self through the quiet neighborhood streets, they glide past, smooth, sleek and graceful, swift and sweat-free. I hate them. I'm still not getting those endorphins one is supposed to get from working out. They are elusive.

My muscles are twitching like mad now. This is good. I PLAN on continuing doing this twice a day, just as if I were walking a dog. Gosh, I wish I had a dog.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

fear feeds on air

I accepted an invitation to dinner from an aquaintance who is pretty involved in the social scene here in The Upper North, and I was really nervous about it. Like, bladder-emptying nervous. I accepted because I'm fed up with and impatient and disgusted with my social anxiety. I wanted to cancel, desperately, because social anxiety is real and not to be dismissed. It effing sucks. But, thanks to a casual friend's casual comment, I had a mantra to take with me and give me strength.

Darnell, my casual friend, after listening to my fears, said "Go forth and be cool."

As simple as that. So I did! I was just me. Not "Nervous Me," or "Let Me Amuse You Me" or whatever. I didn't fake a damn thing. I was open to this total roomful of total strangers and just decided it didn't matter what happened. And it was all good!

I even got called "cool!" I mean... WOW!

It was good. It was really good! I neither made a fool of myself nor fucked up! I was mostly appropriate and didn't embarrass myself and Handsome and I both had a very nice time and met some really interesting people. It was a good evening, one I would have missed if I'd listened to my ever-present fear, which needs nothing but air to thrive.

Fear needs nothing to expand. It takes a huge effort to overcome it. And, sometimes, it is ABSOLUTELY worth that big effort!

Whew! Thanks to Darnell, for the Mantra!

Go forth and be cool.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

addiction

Today's not great. I'm terribly lonely. There's no one to hang out with and Handsome is pulling farther away all the time. My friends are all so busy and I've spent so many years pushing them away... why would they be there now. And, of course, there's the small matter of stupid fear, social anxiety, whatever.

I've become addicted to the Internet. I watch hours and hours of TV and movies. They keep me company and help me escape from ... whatever it is I'm trying to escape from. Mostly, it keeps me company. Ironic, really, since devoting my time to watching fake lives takes the place of me actually living my own.

Difficult to take that first step away.