the Past

I saw this ad today.

For some reason, she makes me think of what I'd have looked like, in my early 20's, had I procreated with a guy I was seeing at the time, a guy I'll call

She looks strong and competent, if not happy. The kid looks content. My life, my self, my everything, would be soooooo different if I'd had a kid. But he definitely was NOT the right guy to be the father of MY spawn. No way. Nice enough guy, but he did prefer the ganja to the job. He was smart, attractive, clever, tall, funny, lots of really good things. But not reliable. Not willing to make sacrifices for anyone or anything, including the kid he had from a previous marriage. So. It was a no go, in all ways, eventually.

When I was a little girl, I just assumed I'd have kids, like "all" women did. As I grew up, I realized I had choices and didn't HAVE to grow a human in my body. I didn't HAVE to spread the miserable health issues my family deals with to another person. I didn't HAVE to risk giving someone a health situation that would make his (and other people's) life a living hell. I could remain child-free; it was MY choice! YAY!

Still, I occasionally feel that kick in my uterus, that baby hunger, that deep in the marrow desire to reproduce. Thank god it passes quickly. I genuinely feel sorry for women who feel that need all the time and are unable to conceive. And now I'm really getting to be too old. My eggs are old. Much bigger risk of even more health issues for the kid.

Mr. Handsome, who had an idyllic childhood, could never give me a "Yes, I do" or "No, I don't" answer to the kid question, in the past. Now, he's sure he doesn't want one. So that's a relief. And he's not worried about what might-have-beens. He says, "We didn't have any, we don't want them now, that's the way it is." I love that about him (amongst many, many other reasons), that he doesn't dwell on the past, on what might-have-been, on regrets.