New job, I'm giving it until Christmas break.  It was awful and my hair was falling out in clumps.  It's getting better, so we'll see.

Friends

Visiting Cali Girl was quite enlightening.  I learned that one cannot, must not, hold on to the past.  Find things in the present to value, don't insist on making the creatures of today look like the ones from memory.  Not only is memory a fickle beast, creatures insist on being themselves, on authenticity.

Ok, that's super-vague.  I'm not the same person I was in high school, when Cali Girl and I were best friends, soul sisters, finishing each other's sentences and feeling incomplete without a daily dose of togetherness.  It was like a love affair.  A four-years-long relationship that was intense as only teenagers can create, especially a traumatized teen like I was.

I've chosen a very different life for myself from what I expected to have 30 years ago.  I want a peaceful life, with small pleasures lit by joy, seasoned with small disappointments, hold the despair and drama.  I used to think I was destined to make a difference in the world, that I had the power of a meteor, that I would light up the lives of many.  Instead, the world changed me.  I've been humbled.  The universe has


You don't HAVE to be unhappy to be interesting.  There's a 'friend' I have on f@ceb00k who posts several times a day, often something that pertains to a business venture (a pyramid-type thingy).  I keep her listed, because I gotta admit, her posts are very often quite uplifting!  Everyone can use more positivity in life. Sometimes she's a bit 'Suzy Sunshine,' but it does seem authentic.  And she does do interesting things! Travel, athletic competitions, dropping several dress sizes in a year, trying dating again....  So, I keep reading her.

I often want to escape my own life by reading or watching a movie.  Immerse myself in a different life.  When what I SHOULD be doing is living my own life, making memories.  All my interesting ideas come in the wee hours, though, when I'm trying desperately to fall asleep!  I know I should get up and write them down, but that will wake me up even more, so I don't.  Of course all those interesting thoughts evaporate come morning, dull and blank and dreary.  So easy to just put one foot in front of the other, not thinking about where you're going.

Much better to choose where you want to be.  I've been walking pretty steadily three times a week with a nearby friend.  It's WONDERFUL!  Neither of us actually WANT to get out of bed for this, but once we do, we feel better (mostly) and I can tell I'm getting a little bit stronger.  I want to get stronger in lots of ways - not just my heart.

Love this

If you love the new $herlock, you'll love this.

And this is just because I like BC!

Sate Love

This is awesome!

The Plan

New plan: Walking three times a week, 30 mins each; ten situps, ten pushups and ten twisty situps five times a day (or more), waaaaay less food.

I don't have to hate pictures of myself. I don't have to feel like a stuffed and sweaty pig. I can change this.

hotter

So, that last post makes me laugh now, because it's been so much hotter than that, for so long, 73 sounds chilly. Yet, I've been walking anyway, with an old friend who also needs to lose weight and get stronger. In that order.

Yeah, yeah, it's supposed to be all about "health," but for me, it's all about looks. I joke at the bookstore that I'm the shallow one, enjoying books with happy endings, but it might be true. I just want to look good. I want to feel good. I want to feel like I look good. Shallow.

Autumn will come - the temps will dip below 80 - being outside won't feel like torture. I'm looking forward to it!

City sidewalks

I didn't want to, I tried to think of reasons I didn't have to, but I did it anyway. I took my (almost) 30 minute walk this morning! I am inordinately proud of me! It was oly 73F out, but it was 83% humidity. The air was so heavy and unforgiving. I sweat actual droplets from my scalp!

I chose a slightly different route, decided to tackle a couple of hills, and I found two streets nearby that do not have sidewalks! This amazed me! We're in the heart of the city, not the 'burbs, not even the fringes. CITY. So, like a hoodlum, I walked and sweated in the street. It's a residential neighborhood; one expects sidewalks! I have definitely become a city girl.

I don't know why this struck me so oddly, but it did. First day of Summer and I got my walk in, despite heat, humidity, and a lack of sidewalks!

twitching

I've been babysitting some pets for a few days. The dog of the house, Sweetie Pie, gets two walks a day, 30 minutes a shot. It's been good for me, too! So, I decided to keep it up and went for a walk this morning. I was wearing the softest tee shirt in the whole world. I love it. But it IS rather form-fitting. And I'm kind of voluptuous right now. Too voluptuous. Both Mr. H. and I think this. Hence, the walking regimine.

Good lord, I'm out of shape. And shy. I felt like I was walking around as nekkid as Lady Godiva, without the curtain of hair or gorgeous horse to distract the eye. But I didn't realize I'd feel that way until I was well down the block and I knew if I turned around to change (and change into WHAT?!? All I have are tee shirts, and it's hot and humid outside), I'd stay inside, playing Crush the Castle.

Geez, it was revelatory. I bought these shoes that are supposed to help you get more of a work out from your walk and they really do work. They make it harder, make you work harder. Weirdly, I can feel the effort in my inner thighs, which I've never experienced from walking before. It's a good thing, but I feel so clumsy and awkward and huge. I hate joggers. As I plod down the sidewalk, leverageing my full-figured self through the quiet neighborhood streets, they glide past, smooth, sleek and graceful, swift and sweat-free. I hate them. I'm still not getting those endorphins one is supposed to get from working out. They are elusive.

My muscles are twitching like mad now. This is good. I PLAN on continuing doing this twice a day, just as if I were walking a dog. Gosh, I wish I had a dog.

fear feeds on air

I accepted an invitation to dinner from an aquaintance who is pretty involved in the social scene here in The Upper North, and I was really nervous about it. Like, bladder-emptying nervous. I accepted because I'm fed up with and impatient and disgusted with my social anxiety. I wanted to cancel, desperately, because social anxiety is real and not to be dismissed. It effing sucks. But, thanks to a casual friend's casual comment, I had a mantra to take with me and give me strength.

Darnell, my casual friend, after listening to my fears, said "Go forth and be cool."

As simple as that. So I did! I was just me. Not "Nervous Me," or "Let Me Amuse You Me" or whatever. I didn't fake a damn thing. I was open to this total roomful of total strangers and just decided it didn't matter what happened. And it was all good!

I even got called "cool!" I mean... WOW!

It was good. It was really good! I neither made a fool of myself nor fucked up! I was mostly appropriate and didn't embarrass myself and Handsome and I both had a very nice time and met some really interesting people. It was a good evening, one I would have missed if I'd listened to my ever-present fear, which needs nothing but air to thrive.

Fear needs nothing to expand. It takes a huge effort to overcome it. And, sometimes, it is ABSOLUTELY worth that big effort!

Whew! Thanks to Darnell, for the Mantra!

Go forth and be cool.

addiction

Today's not great. I'm terribly lonely. There's no one to hang out with and Handsome is pulling farther away all the time. My friends are all so busy and I've spent so many years pushing them away... why would they be there now. And, of course, there's the small matter of stupid fear, social anxiety, whatever.

I've become addicted to the Internet. I watch hours and hours of TV and movies. They keep me company and help me escape from ... whatever it is I'm trying to escape from. Mostly, it keeps me company. Ironic, really, since devoting my time to watching fake lives takes the place of me actually living my own.

Difficult to take that first step away.