New Look, Same Deal

I really like to read. Favorite thing to do. So I really like this new background and I hope you do, too! And aren't the kitties cute in the sunshine?

Well, it's been a lot of Nothing Cheerful around here.

I continue to crawl deeper into my emotional hidey-hole, not wanting to burden anyone (or shame myself). Vicious cycle of isolation. And then there's the pain. It comes back with a vengance. It's like a living thing, an entity, a reality. ugh.

Not too cheerful.

gawd dang it

Look, I want to be all cheerful and sh!t, but the f#ck!ng fibromyalgia is absolutely kicking my a$$ up one side and down the other and has been for the last week and every single part of my body HURTS. Just HURTS. I claim the right to feel sorry for myself and that's the end of it. Damn.

Cultivating

Tonight is my exercise class, the one I THOUGHT was a gentle stretching and strengthening class but turned out to be kinda hardcore, with weights and aerobics and endless sit-ups. The one that knocked me out with pain for a couple weeks. Tonight, I'm going, no matter how tired, no matter how sore. I'm going and that's that. I simply must start to take my life seriously.

I'm going to create a rather rigid schedule for myself, too, just as though I were a pet. Sleeping times, feeding times, exercise times. Dang it, I would be vigilant about it for a dog; I need to care for myself at least as well as I would for a pet!

So, no more staying up reading past midnight. Nope. No more several hours-long sessions on fun (read: waste of time) websites. No more shaker of salt at hand. Less booze, less coffee, less junk food. More water, more veggies, more portion control.

I am 5' 2.5". I weigh over 155 lbs. I'm officially overweight. And my muscles are atrophying.

This will change and I'm begging you, dear reader (stranger, Sister, or friend), to leave me a message encouraging me. I need the help and support. I really do.

Gone for the weekend

So, I recently had a fibromyalgia flare-up that really brought me low for days. I'm going to Cleveland for a book show and am kinda worried (ok, downright frightened) that it's gonna knock me down hard. I'm doing all the driving. Why did I volunteer for that, WHY?!? Then, I work on Monday, too (we used to be closed on Mondays), so no rest for days. I'm kinda freaking out. But, at the same time, I'm just focusing on getting through it, taking massive amounts of ibuprofen (I've reduced my medication dosage to stretch it out since we don't have insurance right now what with Mr Handsome being laid off - boy, can I ever tell that that medication WORKS!), and trying to stay mentally "up." It's a challenge.
I'll be gone all weekend and probably won't post from the road (even though I've got the G3), but wanted to just give a quick little post. More to come next week!

hot and sweaty

I blame Furniture Girl.

She is a Runner. 5Ks to Marathons, she's run 'em all, even when 7+months preggers with her second kid. In my world, she's hard-core (and isn't she pretty?).

Now, most of my other friends are becoming Runners, too! In the words of 'Danny Doyle', from Run Fat Boy Run, "Why?" I'd never try to talk anyone out of it, I envy their fit and toned bodies, but I just don't get it. Museum Girl told me it was for the endorphins and the fitness and, probably most important, the feeling of accomplishment. Those all make sense to me. It just HURTS so much!

So, anyhoo, with the fibromyalgia kicking my ass recently, making every movement a decision, I've decided to again try what the specialist said I should do. He said I should do challenging cardio, at least 3 x week, for 30-45 mins at a time, for at least three months. He said it would hurt like hell, but if I could push through the pain, I'd feel much, much better. I have tried, again and again, but the pain always smacked me down and put me in chains. I just couldn't push through the pain.

I'm going to try again. Today, I walked for a solid hour, a brisk walk, in the bright sunshine and summer heat. Sounds so low-key, so simple and relaxing. But I hurt. And I'll try even harder to push through this pain and keep on with my day instead of curling up, whimpering, as burning knives plunge into my legs. HA! I laugh at the pain! Also, I'm ashamed of how limited I am. I'm tired of having to say "I can't do that" to people who just want to go for a 5 mile hike. I'm embarrassed at gimping around, limping and staggering and thinking about every step I take. It's bullshit. Not the pain; the pain is very real. It's the limitations I blush over.

I WILL walk to work a few times a week, starting Thursday (tomorrow). It's only 30 minutes, I can do it! Without health insurance, this is my best way to take better care of myself. Simply walking. Thing is, I hate walking by myself. When I was a pet-sitter, it was fine, 'cause I usually had at least one dog with me. I HATE being looked at, noticed, stared at, and I figured people looked at the dogs, not me. Agoraphobia is a hobby of mine, I think. I like being inside, where no one can see me. I sound like a crazy person.

Sometimes, I pretend I'm a celebrity going incognito, or I'm a superhero. Kinda like Bey0nce pretends she's $asha Fier¢e for her really strong performances. I understand. I do. It's easier to be out there if it's not really "you." It's just like wearing a mask, or a uniform. People don't see the real you: they see what you choose for them to see.

Today, on my walk (to the library, by the way. I like to have a mission, rather than just wander aimlessly), I pretended I was Lara Croft. She is an awesome superhero-ish chick! Made me feel strong and confident and walk with strength, ignoring the stabs and burns of each step. YEAH!

Ok, so, more pics from the Sibs Reunion tomorrow!

about pain...

Just a quickie, with a link to a looong Other Blog Post about pain.


Gotta go shovel and go to work. Yup. More snow today, LOTS more snow.