hot and sweaty

I blame Furniture Girl.

She is a Runner. 5Ks to Marathons, she's run 'em all, even when 7+months preggers with her second kid. In my world, she's hard-core (and isn't she pretty?).

Now, most of my other friends are becoming Runners, too! In the words of 'Danny Doyle', from Run Fat Boy Run, "Why?" I'd never try to talk anyone out of it, I envy their fit and toned bodies, but I just don't get it. Museum Girl told me it was for the endorphins and the fitness and, probably most important, the feeling of accomplishment. Those all make sense to me. It just HURTS so much!

So, anyhoo, with the fibromyalgia kicking my ass recently, making every movement a decision, I've decided to again try what the specialist said I should do. He said I should do challenging cardio, at least 3 x week, for 30-45 mins at a time, for at least three months. He said it would hurt like hell, but if I could push through the pain, I'd feel much, much better. I have tried, again and again, but the pain always smacked me down and put me in chains. I just couldn't push through the pain.

I'm going to try again. Today, I walked for a solid hour, a brisk walk, in the bright sunshine and summer heat. Sounds so low-key, so simple and relaxing. But I hurt. And I'll try even harder to push through this pain and keep on with my day instead of curling up, whimpering, as burning knives plunge into my legs. HA! I laugh at the pain! Also, I'm ashamed of how limited I am. I'm tired of having to say "I can't do that" to people who just want to go for a 5 mile hike. I'm embarrassed at gimping around, limping and staggering and thinking about every step I take. It's bullshit. Not the pain; the pain is very real. It's the limitations I blush over.

I WILL walk to work a few times a week, starting Thursday (tomorrow). It's only 30 minutes, I can do it! Without health insurance, this is my best way to take better care of myself. Simply walking. Thing is, I hate walking by myself. When I was a pet-sitter, it was fine, 'cause I usually had at least one dog with me. I HATE being looked at, noticed, stared at, and I figured people looked at the dogs, not me. Agoraphobia is a hobby of mine, I think. I like being inside, where no one can see me. I sound like a crazy person.

Sometimes, I pretend I'm a celebrity going incognito, or I'm a superhero. Kinda like Bey0nce pretends she's $asha Fier¢e for her really strong performances. I understand. I do. It's easier to be out there if it's not really "you." It's just like wearing a mask, or a uniform. People don't see the real you: they see what you choose for them to see.

Today, on my walk (to the library, by the way. I like to have a mission, rather than just wander aimlessly), I pretended I was Lara Croft. She is an awesome superhero-ish chick! Made me feel strong and confident and walk with strength, ignoring the stabs and burns of each step. YEAH!

Ok, so, more pics from the Sibs Reunion tomorrow!