Secret Police

I think I secretly want to be a police officer or a secret agent or at LEAST a stunt-car driver. I might not have matured past elementary school, it seems. I've been really into cop shows for a while now, like In Plain Sight, The Closer, The Mentalist, and Bones. I loved The Rockford Files and Barney Miller when I was a kid. I'm listening to the local police scanner right now. They mumble a lot. And there's no sense of urgency in their voices (probably a good thing). It's nothing like TV makes it sound like. It's surprisingly quiet for rather long periods of time! Which I think deserves a YAY!

Sis likes the warmies I made for her for Christmas! Another YAY! Look how cute she is! She plays the piano and lives in a c-c-cold place, so the arm warmers keep her cozy, I hope. She doesn't like scarves, but having a warm neck can really help keep a person warm, so I made her a little neck cowl, very soft, not itchy at all, and can be easily washed, too! The arm warmers are cashmere, and soft as butter. She'll send pics of the leg warmers later (I didn't make the hat, but it looks cute on her!).

I'm so glad she likes them! I didn't embellish them at all, except for a little bit on the leg warmers, because Sis is a classic girl, no frills and furbelows for her, thenkuveddy much! I'm just glad they fit!

So, today...

Still painful, still sucks, but today was beautiful! The sun was just so cheery and clean and bright, no one could be grouchy today. It was just lovely.

I'm making these right now and here's my work in progress:

I'm also planning on making these little critters. I'll keep you posted in a future post about my progress!

So, way last Dec. 14th I got my hair cut, just a trim. But she chopped four inches, trying to get my hopelessly wavy hair "straight in the back." This is a sisyphean task. You CAN'T get my hair straight across the back. She's been doing my hair, pretty reliably, for the past 3+ years, so I was really surprised at this, but we all f#ck up sometimes. I'm just so bummed that it's back up to just barely brushing my shoulders when I've been trying so hard to grow it out.
Before (standing up straight):

After (oops, kinda slouchy):

It's not tragic on a global level or anything, I know. It's just hair and it'll grow. I do have it in perspective. Doesn't mean I'm not disappointed, though.

But back to today - it was a good day! IMmed with Sis and Ell for a couple of hours, always fun. I love my Sis so much, it feels like she's a part of me. And I chatted on the phone (yes, on the actual phone) with Cali Girl for a couple of hours, too, and that was good. We cleared the air, I think, about some stuff and I feel much more hopeful.

gawd dang it

Look, I want to be all cheerful and sh!t, but the f#ck!ng fibromyalgia is absolutely kicking my a$$ up one side and down the other and has been for the last week and every single part of my body HURTS. Just HURTS. I claim the right to feel sorry for myself and that's the end of it. Damn.

Soundtrack for a Happy Day

Music is so powerful! Have you read Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks or This is Your Brain on Music by Daniel Levitin? I highly recommend BOTH!

Here are some cheerful selections to brighten your day:













Do you have any suggestions to add to the soundtrack? Please leave 'em in the comments!

It's been a Yoga Weekend. Yesterday, I went to a new-to-me studio with a friend who just signed up for classes. It was in a suburban office building, but they'd created such a lovely space, and the many windows look out over a lake, I really forgot I was in a building that shares space with an insurance company. Really, really pretty. It was mega-crowded and I was SUPER grouchy to start, but it all turned out really well! I might join my friend again.

Today, I went to a close-to-home place that I've been meaning to go to for ages. The Armenta Studio. It has a more organic feel to it, a little more down-to-earth and genuine feel. I really liked it! I was really nervous and anxious about going, but it also turned out great. I had a good workout and will prob go back again!

itchy

I've been itching to make stuff lately, I think because there were SOOOO many things I wanted to make for Christmas, but didn't. I did manage to make leg warmers and arm warmers (and a cowl) for my Sis!   (Oh, how I wish she'd send me pics of her wearing them.)  That was fun!  And for the furry babies I visit, I made catnip-filled stockings.  That was fun, too!  Now, I need to make more magnets for the store and, while I'm currently knitting yet another scarf, I want to make something using applique.  Something useful.  Something pretty.  I like the potholders I made a while ago, but I seem to have lost my mojo.

What do people USE?

What would YOU use?  Pillow covers?  Tea cozies?  Slippers?  Totes?  Oooh!  Looks like I came up with some ideas!

Cinnamon

Last night, after work, I met up with Cinnamon for a drink.  We went to Graydon's, a place where you can actually have a conversation with your friends while enjoying their vittles.  What was supposed to be just a drink and some chatting really got into some deep waters and I'm so glad we both had the time to spend a few hours together.

Cinnamon is one of my True Friends.  It doesn't bother her a bit that I disappear for months at a time only to show up again as though no time had passed.  She's one of the most independent, strongest women I know.  Also, one of the kindest. She's no saint, of course, but she's an angel in my life.  She's going through a really tough time, actually for the last couple of years has been, and I wish I could do something to help.

It's so hard when a friend is hurting and there's nothing concrete to do about it.  Sometimes, I guess the best thing is an open heart and wide ears.

Again

Cleo had another episode of vertigo last night. It's so scary! There's nothing we can do but wait it out. I've been putting off going to work for as long as possible this morning, in case she collapses again, but I really have to leave. She seems stable, if a little wobbly. This is going to worry me all day, her being home alone.

Update later that night:

She's wobbly on her pins, but much better again. Dr. V thinks she might have an infection in her middle ear, so Cleo's got to have an oral anti-biotic every day for a couple of weeks. She's also taking an anti-nausea medication and an anti-acid medication. She really is an old lady!

cooking

Good God, I really want to make this a positive place to visit, one you'll want to come back to, but sometimes, a person just has to VENT. Like a tea kettle. I had to go grocery shopping today because I forgot to pick up City garbage bags when I went grocery shopping two days ago. Seriously, I'd rather clean a stranger's toilet than go grocery shopping. All the people, all the visuals, all the sounds, all the STUFF! It's overwhelming and I hate hate hate it. So, they were out or garbage bags, which I found out after waiting in line for 10 minutes. (Man, I am just whining now.) Anyway, I went to three other places before I finally found some. GEEZ! All my own fault, too, 'cause I didn't pick them up two days ago. * sigh *

And I'm cooking today. I don't enjoy cooking. The food does not taste better if I cook it. I try to "imbue it with love as I prepare nourishment for my family," but it still feels like drudgery. Value for effort = low. I want to turn these dreaded chores into something positive or at least neutral, but I'm not there yet.

Well, a lot is changing so maybe I need to just go with it for now, staying aware of my own limitations and who I REALLY am, rather who I WISH I were. There are some relationships I'm dealing with right now that kind of mirror this. Value for effort = low. I've got a new schedule at the bookstore, which will give me more time to work on the house and my life.

Uh oh, the broccoli is burning.

99 years old

Cleo is 20 (and 9 months). She can vote. This Spring, she'll be 21 and be able to order a martini. If she lives that long.

Night before last, we had a real scare with her. She's old, she's got kidney disease that can't be treated by diet (the usual way) because she's also got food allergies. She's pretty deaf and I think her eyes are failing. She's often uncomfortable because she's got arthritis and the kidney disease makes her body produce too much stomach acid, so she's got that, too. And she's got dementia, which makes her howl and yowl at nothing. Yet, she seems to enjoy her life. She's got two heated beds (three, if you count my body); a companion to beat up on (poor Bubba), likes to be wherever her humans are and really loves mealtimes. She's still enjoying life, gets around just fine, can still jump on the kitchen counter, even! She's not supposed to, mind - we just know she does if we're careless enough to leave fresh flowers up there. The girl can NOT resist munching on fresh flowers. There is NOTHING wrong with her nose.

So, The Scare.

She often howls, like someone is torturing her. Very disconcerting, but it's just part of her dementia. So, we kind of tune it out, as best we can. Nothing we can do, after all. But she made some vocalizations that were unlike anything I'd heard come from her before. She sounded truly distressed. I jumped up, and she was stumbling and falling over and it was horrible. Then she vomited twice and collapsed. She didn't respond to any visual stimulus and seemed completely out of it, though she was still conscious. We stayed with her for hours, pondering what to do. My instincts said she was suffering and we should take her to the Pet Emergency Hospital and prepare to say good bye (i.e. have her euthanized). We've been trying to prepare ourselves for her death for the last three years. I mean, she's very old! But she just doesn't SEEM old! She's clean and shiny and flexible and spry and vibrant.... She just doesn't seem that old.... But she is.

Well, Handsome wasn't ready and I certainly wasn't going to push it. He saved her from a bunch of street kids who had her in a steel drum half-filled with water, to see if she could swim, when she was a tiny kitten. He's her daddy, for sure. When he and his Practice Wife divorced, she got the TV, he got Cleo (and her companion kitty, Ned). There's no way I'm going to make him do anything regarding Cleo's final exit. And, she's my baby-girl, too. She's the cat I've had in my life the longest, over 17 years. I love this cat so very, very, much. We were both in tears.

We put her in one of her heated beds and she curled right up and went to sleep. All night long, I kept checking to make sure she was still breathing. We kept her and a litter box and a bowl of water in our room, with the door closed all night. Bubba was miserable, because we locked him out. He's a bed hog and I wanted to let Cleo sleep with me without competing for space, if she chose to get up on the bed (we have kitty steps, so no jumping). Cleo did come up and sleep with me, so it was a good call, I think. But poor Bubs cried all night.

In the morning, Cleo was much better! Not 100%, still wobbly on her pins, and not responsive to visual cues, but much more stable. She ate a little bit, drank some water, urinated fine. We thought maybe she had a stroke; one pupil looked bigger than another and she was so weak on one side. As soon as our vet opened, I called and they were able to fit us in right away, and we even got to see our own favorite vet, Dr. Vincent (though, honestly, they're all really skilled and excellent doctors). Cleo and I raced the 20 minutes through the dark and snow and of course, as soon as I got there, I started crying and couldn't stop. I wish Handsome could have come with me. I could've used the support, but he had to go to work, of course. Thank goddness I had the day off!

Anyhoo, I used to work there, so I know a lot of the people and was so glad to get a Vet Tech I knew, one of the most experienced techs there, Michele. Michele is a very no-nonsense, straight-forward woman, but was very kind and understanding of my tears. SO! She asked some questions and took Cleo's blood pressure with the tiniest little BP cuff you've ever seen and Dr. Vincent came in and asked more and then they took Cleo back for some blood and urine tests. Everything was as normal as could be expected for such an old kitty. Dr. V was concerned about the half-pound weight loss Cleo had since October. That's a LOT of weight for such a small cat in a short amount of time. Cleo now weighs 5.25 pounds. Tiny. Dr. V confirmed that Cleo's right eye wasn't responding to light; the iris was expanded and not shrinking as it normally would. She thought it had to do with muscle atrophy, though, not a stroke. There was no evidence of blood in her eye. It's just that, as Cleo ages, her muscles are failing, losing, as it were, and the eye muscle got "stuck" in the open-iris position.

About Cleo's episode, Dr. V believes it might have been profound vertigo. That would explain EVERYTHING. The loss of stability - when you don't know which way is up, you don't know where to put your feet - , and the vomiting (nausea caused by vertigo), the odd and scary cry (because Cleo was terrified), and the eye-jiggling. Unfortunately, there's no preventative treatment, there's no way to predict it, and there's nothing we can do, other than treat it when it happens (because it will probably happen again). So, we're to be on the alert and watch her carefully. And we also must keep in mind that she's pretty much blind. Can't see anything out of her right eye and her left eye probably only sees shadowy images at best. No moving furniture around for us! Now, every time she yowls, I'm jumping up to find her! And when she goes upstairs or jumps, I'm watching her like a hawk. I'm so glad I have today and tomorrow off, too. And Sunday. So I can watch her like an overprotective mom. Which is what I am.

Mostly, I'm just so glad that Handsome said he wasn't ready to say goodbye. All my instincts said the kindest thing for Cleo would be to let her go. I'm soooooooo glad we didn't do that! I know we don't have a lot of time left with her, but at least there's a little more now.

New Year

No resolutions, I hope. I just want to commit to a healthier, stronger and HAPPIER me. No more beating myself up for ... well, any number of things I won't mention, because that would be self-defeating! See? I'm already on the Path to Positivity! Care to join me?